• Future Letter

    Dear Self

    May 29, 2025

    I wasn’t sure if I should share this. It’s personal. Raw. Still a little tender.

    But maybe someone out there needs to hear it — to know they’re not alone in the quiet ache of a connection that didn’t become what they hoped.

    Dear Self,
  
I know how you feel, and I am sorry for causing you this pain.
  
We’ve been very cautious these past years, guarding ourselves, healing, slowly learning how to trust again. But this time… we let someone in. We gave him a piece of us — a piece we’ve never shared with anyone else. It was real. And it mattered.
  
But now here we are… heartbroken by how things unfolded.
  
The connection was there. We felt it. We weren’t imagining it. But somewhere along the way, it started to fade — slowly, quietly. And we were left trying to understand a silence that never gave us answers.
  
We don’t know exactly what changed. Maybe he pulled away. Maybe we leaned in too much. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to grow.
  
We can’t blame him, not fully. Maybe he didn’t know what to do with the kind of love we were ready to give. Maybe we misunderstood his warmth and gave meaning to gestures that meant something different to him than they did to us.
  
And that’s okay.
  
What we gave came from a pure place. It wasn’t foolish — it was brave. Loving, even in uncertainty, is never something to regret.
  
So now, dear self, I know you're hurting. I know you’re reliving moments, re-reading messages, and wondering what if.
  
But I promise you: this pain won’t last forever. One day, this won’t feel like the end of the world. It will feel like a chapter that helped you grow — and soften — without breaking you.
  
You are still whole. You are still worthy. And you will love again.
  
With patience, Me

    Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It’s messy, slow, and often silent. But writing this helped me start to move through it — to remind myself that loving fully, even when things don’t last, is still something to be proud of.

    If this letter speaks to something in you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Or just know you’re not alone — even if you don’t say a word.

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  • Random

    Where We Met, Where We Drifted

    May 28, 2025

    We met in Dark War Survival game
    Through an alliance lost to night.
    Yet memories of our firsts remain,
    Playing side by side, through joy and pain.

    You reinforced my base with care,
    A quiet trust was in the air.
    We moved alliances, then it drifted apart,
    You moved on—I stayed, with a hesitant heart.

    Should I have followed where you went?
    A question I’ve often quietly spent.
    You moved again and called me near,
    But stayed for another week.

    Now we share the same alliance once more,
    But the bond we had is not as before.
    I’ve deleted Dark Wars, closed that door,
    Yet in my heart, I still want more.

    Read More
  • Personal

    Just Me, Being Real

    May 26, 2025

    Hey Blog,

    Here I am again.

    Just wanted to write and let a few things out. Lately, I have been feeling a mix of everything—busy on the outside, but lowkey messy on the inside. You know that feeling when life keeps moving but your emotions are kind of stuck? That is where I am at.

    I have been keeping myself occupied—doing things I need to do, trying to stay productive. On paper, everything looks okay. But inside? There’s this weird heaviness I cannot shake off.

    Jealousy.

    Yeah, I said it.

    I do not usually get jealous—not in a loud, dramatic way. But I have been feeling it quietly, deeply. That kind of jealousy that does not even show, but eats at you a little. And it is not even about wanting to have what others have… it is more like wishing I did not care so much.

    I see things. I notice the closeness. The way someone lights up when they talk to other people—and suddenly, I feel like I’m just… there. Not invisible, but not chosen either.

    I hate feeling like this. Because I know it makes me seem weak or insecure, but that is not it. I just care. Maybe more than I should. And when I care, I get affected. Simple as that.

    So yeah. That is what I have been up to— trying to look fine while quietly dealing with feelings I did not really ask for.

    I am not mad. I am not even sad all the time. I just feel… a little off. A little left out. A little too much sometimes, and not enough other times.

    But maybe that is okay. Maybe this is just part of figuring life and emotions out.

    Thanks for being here again, Blog.

    You are my quiet space when I cannot really say things out loud.

    — Me

    Read More
  • Random

    Whiskey and Late Night Talks

    May 21, 2025

    Today, we ended up talking about food again. He knows I’m on OMAD (one meal a day), and when I mentioned I drank Coke with my meal, he immediately said, “No Coke!” He said it’s a waste of the effort I’m putting into OMAD. Not that he totally disapproves—he drinks Coke too, sometimes mixed with rum.

    I joked that I wanted to drink, and he told me, “Go.” So, I did.

    I went to our mini stash and grabbed the one with a pair so it won’t be obvious that I took one. I poured myself a bit of Jack Daniels and something else—I think it was Stewart’s? Took a photo and sent it to him. He was amused, like genuinely happy I was having a drink. I teased him and said, “Drunk me will call you a hundred times and sing a sad song,” and he just laughed even more.

    Honestly, I was fine. Still texting straight, still making sense. But I didn’t feel like typing anymore, so I switched to voice messages. The entire night, I just kept sending him voicemails.

    He said he wouldn’t get annoyed—and true to his word, he didn’t.

    Our conversation went deeper and deeper as the night went on. And we even switched to Telegram. And for the first time in a while, it felt like we were us again. Just talking. Laughing. Being real.

    I hope nights like this don’t go away.

    Read More
  • Next Question

    Do You Get Lonely Staying Alone?

    May 19, 2025

    “Do you get lonely staying alone?”
    That’s a really nice question.

    Jubal asked if I get lonely being alone so much. Honestly? Not really. I’m pretty comfortable with my own company. Me, myself, and I have this quiet understanding, and we get along just fine.

    There’s a kind of peace that comes with being alone—no distractions, no noise, just space to think and breathe. I enjoy the calmness, the freedom to do things at my own pace without having to answer to anyone. I can dive into a book, binge-watch a show, or just sit quietly without feeling the pressure to entertain or be entertained. It’s a comfort I’ve grown to appreciate.

    That said, I’m not going to lie—there are times I do miss having someone by my side. Someone to talk to, to share deeper conversations with. Quiet nights spent watching movies together or just having those little moments that make life feel fuller. Sometimes, I crave the warmth of company, the simple joy of sharing a laugh or a thoughtful silence. Those moments remind me how meaningful connection can be.

    But even when I feel that longing, I don’t feel incomplete. I’ve learned to cherish my own presence and find beauty in solitude. It’s in these quiet spaces that I get to know myself better, to reflect, recharge, and just be. There’s a special kind of strength in being okay with your own company—something I’m grateful for.

    And then there’s you—someone who’s been spending time with me lately, making me feel less lonely these days. You remind me that even in solitude, connection can find its way in quietly, gently.

    So yeah, I might be alone a lot, but I’m not lonely. Not really. Because sometimes, being with yourself is exactly what you need.

    Read More
  • Personal

    When Silence Starts to Speak

    May 19, 2025

    Dear Blog,

    Sorry, but once again, you’ve become the catcher of all my feelings.

    I don’t really have someone to vent all my frustrations in life to right now, so here you are—my safe space for now.

    I am honestly doing fine being single. I am happy, really.

    I have learned to enjoy my own company, chase what I want, and live life on my terms.

    But lately… I do not know.

    Out of nowhere, there is this quiet kind of sadness that creeps in.

    That longing for something more.

    That small voice deep down that still hopes to have something I can call home someday—a family of my own.

    I am proud of where I am. I have done things for myself, made decisions just for me.

    But it still feels different knowing someone is there—someone who reminds you you are not alone in this life.

    Not just anyone, but someone who chooses to stay, especially on the days you do not even ask them to.

    So yeah, I am feeling all sorts of things today.

    Too many thoughts, emotions I cannot fully name.

    And this is not even like me—I am not usually this emotional.

    But here I am. Writing again. Rambling again.

    And you— yes, you, in case you ever come across this—

    I hope you are someone who understands what this kind of silence means.

    I hope you are someone who will stay, not just when it is light and easy, but even when my heart feels like this—unfiltered, unsure, but honest.

    That is all for now.

    ’Til next time, blog.

    —Me

    Read More
  • Life Lately

    A New Step

    May 7, 2025

    Lately, my sister’s been bugging me to find work—specifically, something like a virtual assistant job. She says it’s ideal, I can work remotely. It makes sense, and she’s been suggesting this for a while. She even brought up enrolling in video editing and photography courses. But… I decided to take a different route.

    Instead of searching for online work, I finally inquired at the Caregiving Academy about their Health Care course. She’s been encouraging me for a long time to check it out, but I guess it only really sank in now that she’s being extra pushy about work stuff.

    So, this morning, I went to the academy. They asked me to be there by 9 AM—way too early for my usual schedule, but I made it. I got to speak with the Head directly. She explained the course options, including one that spans just 20 days. But the catch? An extra per day. That bumps the tuition— and that’s not even counting uniforms, apps, and other materials.

    This is it. A new chapter. It feels a bit overwhelming, but exciting at the same time. I guess sometimes, taking a different path is exactly what we need.

    Read More
  • Future Letter

    In Case You Are Him

    May 6, 2025

    Hi Future,

    I do not really know how to start this, but here goes.

    If ever you come into my life, I hope you know… I did not expect you. Not because I stopped believing, but because I got tired. Tired of getting too close, only to end up losing. I have always had this habit of pulling away when I feel too much, because deep down, I am scared. Scared of falling completely. Scared of being too much. Scared of not being enough.

    Truth is, I am not the jealous type—but when I care, I do. And when I do, it shows. I overthink, I feel deeply, I get bothered. And maybe that is why I try so hard to protect myself. That is why I have built walls. But if we ever get to that point where you are reading this, then I guess you are the one who did not give up on me. You stayed.

    I am not looking for perfect. I just want real. Someone consistent. Someone honest. Someone who sees me, flaws and all, and still chooses to stay. I will not ask you to fix me. I am not broken—I am just careful now. But if you are willing to walk with me through the good and the heavy, then I will meet you halfway. Maybe even more than that.

    And when the time comes, I hope we build something solid—simple, but safe. The kind that does not need to be loud to be felt. The kind that feels like home.

    So yeah… if you are out there, take your time. I am not rushing. I have waited this long—I can wait a little more.

    — Nikka

    Read More
  • Personal

    Happy Birthday in Heaven, Dade

    April 13, 2025

    Today is your birthday, Dade. Happy birthday in Heaven. I really miss you down here. I still wish you were alive—so I’d have someone with me here at home. It gets lonely sometimes. Even though I’ve gotten used to this setup, and I’m doing okay, it would still be so much better if you were here.

    I visited you today after church. Honestly, I wasn’t planning to go—I was scared to go alone. But I did it anyway. I gathered my courage and went. That alone felt like a big thing for me. When I got there, I saw your grave, but I couldn’t get close. There were so many overgrown weeds and tall plants—some already looked like trees. There was no clear path to walk through. Still, I stood there for a while, just being there with you.

    While I was there, Sitsit called. I showed him the place through a video call. He got curious and said, “So this is Wowo’s house now.” And he’s right—that’s your home now. We talked as I showed him the surroundings. It felt comforting to have someone with me, even just virtually.

    I miss your cooking the most. Especially the green leafy vegetables you loved making—saluyot, in particular. You even made a little song about it, remember? It still makes me smile thinking about it. Our bond over food is something I hold so close to my heart. Because of you, I learned to enjoy eating as a kid. I still remember that pork dish you made—it was so simple, but for some reason, it made me eat with such excitement. I think that’s when my love for food really started.

    I miss your pinapaitan too. There’s just something about the way you cooked it that’s different from Mame’s—your version had that special something. And the bulalo! Every time we went back to the province, that was always our request. Then there’s your igado, adobo, and so many more dishes. I miss them all. I miss you. So much.

    Wherever you are now, I hope you can feel how much I still carry you in my heart. I celebrate you today and always.

    Read More
  • Random

    Dark War Survival

    March 27, 2025

    I found this game a few days ago.

    At first, I didn’t think much of it — just another download. But I ended up playing it for three straight days. Not because it was amazing. Not because I was hooked.

    But because it gave me something to focus on…something that wasn’t my thoughts, my frustrations, or the things in life that feel too heavy lately.

    For a little while, it helped me breathe.

    Helped me quiet the noise in my head by giving me simple goals, small wins, and a break from reality — even if just through a screen.

    I deleted it today.

    Not because I hated it, but because I felt like I needed to pull myself back a bit.

    Still, before I let it go, I linked it to my email. Just in case I ever need it again. Not for the game itself… but for the quiet it gave me, when I needed it most.

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