• Personal

    Dear Self

    May 29, 2025

    I wasnā€™t sure if I should share this. Itā€™s personal. Raw. Still a little tender.

    But maybe someone out there needs to hear it ā€” to know theyā€™re not alone in the quiet ache of a connection that didnā€™t become what they hoped.

    Dear Self,
  
I know how you feel, and I am sorry for causing you this pain.
  
Weā€™ve been very cautious these past years, guarding ourselves, healing, slowly learning how to trust again. But this timeā€¦ we let someone in. We gave him a piece of us ā€” a piece weā€™ve never shared with anyone else. It was real. And it mattered.
  
But now here we areā€¦ heartbroken by how things unfolded.
  
The connection was there. We felt it. We werenā€™t imagining it. But somewhere along the way, it started to fade ā€” slowly, quietly. And we were left trying to understand a silence that never gave us answers.
  
We donā€™t know exactly what changed. Maybe he pulled away. Maybe we leaned in too much. Maybe it just wasnā€™t meant to grow.
  
We canā€™t blame him, not fully. Maybe he didnā€™t know what to do with the kind of love we were ready to give. Maybe we misunderstood his warmth and gave meaning to gestures that meant something different to him than they did to us.
  
And thatā€™s okay.
  
What we gave came from a pure place. It wasnā€™t foolish ā€” it was brave. Loving, even in uncertainty, is never something to regret.
  
So now, dear self, I know you're hurting. I know youā€™re reliving moments, re-reading messages, and wondering what if.
  
But I promise you: this pain wonā€™t last forever. One day, this wonā€™t feel like the end of the world. It will feel like a chapter that helped you grow ā€” and soften ā€” without breaking you.
  
You are still whole. You are still worthy. And you will love again.
  
With patience, Me

    Healing doesnā€™t happen all at once. Itā€™s messy, slow, and often silent. But writing this helped me start to move through it ā€” to remind myself that loving fully, even when things donā€™t last, is still something to be proud of.

    If this letter speaks to something in you, Iā€™d love to hear your thoughts. Or just know youā€™re not alone ā€” even if you donā€™t say a word.

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  • Personal

    A Goodbye I Didnā€™t Want to Write

    May 28, 2025

    Dear Blog,

    Today, I did something that felt both heavy and freeingā€”I let go of someone who had quietly become part of my every day.

    His name is Jubal. We met through a gameā€”Dark War Survival. A simple invite turned into long chats, late-night messages, voice notes, laughter, and daily check-ins. What started as gaming slowly turned into something gentler, more constant. He became a comfort. My favorite distraction. My highlight.

    But latelyā€¦ things changed. The replies became shorter. The tone colder. And eventually, the silence between us grew louder than the conversations ever were.

    I asked if something was wrong. He said, ā€œNothingā€™s wrong.ā€ But I could feel it.

    Still, I waited. I held onā€”maybe longer than I should have. I told myself the silence was temporary. That maybe one day Iā€™d get a voice note again or even just a ā€œHey, I missed you.ā€ But that day never came.

    So I wrote him one last message. Not to beg, not to blame. Just to be honest.

    His reply was one word: ā€œOkay.ā€

    And that was the moment I knewā€”we were no longer holding the same thing.

    So I quietly let go.

    I deleted Dark War Survival. I disabled Discord. Not out of anger, but as a way to protect the part of me that had slowly started to feel exposed.

    And it hurtā€”because for over a month, he was someone I looked forward to. Someone who asked if Iā€™d eaten, teased me about Coke, told me to get up and stretch. We talked about food, dogs, our shared ECE backgrounds, love, connection. And nowā€¦ silence.

    But I donā€™t regret a thing.

    He reminded me that I can feel again. That I want to feel again. That even behind a screen, across countries and time zones, something real can still form. Something tender. Even if it doesnā€™t last.

    So this isnā€™t a goodbye. Not really.

    Itā€™s just me choosing myself for now. Moving forward. With grace. With the quiet hope that if what we had meant something on his end too, maybeā€¦ somedayā€¦ weā€™ll find our way back to that version of us.

    And if not, thatā€™s okay too.

    Thank you, Jubal, for being a small but meaningful chapter in my story. I just wish it had lasted a little longer.

    āø»

    P.S. Thereā€™s something I couldnā€™t say out loudā€”so I wrote it instead. Itā€™s tucked away here, password protected.
    Password: yourfullname
    Only you were meant to read it.

    Love,
    Me

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  • Personal

    Just Me, Being Real

    May 26, 2025

    Hey Blog,

    Here I am again.

    Just wanted to write and let a few things out. Lately, I have been feeling a mix of everythingā€”busy on the outside, but lowkey messy on the inside. You know that feeling when life keeps moving but your emotions are kind of stuck? That is where I am at.

    I have been keeping myself occupiedā€”doing things I need to do, trying to stay productive. On paper, everything looks okay. But inside? Thereā€™s this weird heaviness I cannot shake off.

    Jealousy.

    Yeah, I said it.

    I do not usually get jealousā€”not in a loud, dramatic way. But I have been feeling it quietly, deeply. That kind of jealousy that does not even show, but eats at you a little. And it is not even about wanting to have what others haveā€¦ it is more like wishing I did not care so much.

    I see things. I notice the closeness. The way someone lights up when they talk to other peopleā€”and suddenly, I feel like Iā€™m justā€¦ there. Not invisible, but not chosen either.

    I hate feeling like this. Because I know it makes me seem weak or insecure, but that is not it. I just care. Maybe more than I should. And when I care, I get affected. Simple as that.

    So yeah. That is what I have been up toā€” trying to look fine while quietly dealing with feelings I did not really ask for.

    I am not mad. I am not even sad all the time. I just feelā€¦ a little off. A little left out. A little too much sometimes, and not enough other times.

    But maybe that is okay. Maybe this is just part of figuring life and emotions out.

    Thanks for being here again, Blog.

    You are my quiet space when I cannot really say things out loud.

    ā€” Me

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  • Personal

    Unexpected Tears

    May 20, 2025

    Dear Blog,

    Like I always do, I teased him playfully today. Itā€™s our thing, really ā€” throwing jokes, a little push and pull. But this timeā€¦ the teasing kind of backfired.

    I do not know what came over me, but something shifted. I felt this strange tightness in my chest. Was it jealousy? Whatever it was, it caught me off guard. Suddenly, I went quiet. Everything felt heavier than it should. And thenā€¦ I cried.

    Yup. Out of nowhere.

    I told him I was not okay. I actually said it. And then ā€” silence.

    No reply. No ā€œWhat is wrong?ā€ No ā€œI am here.ā€ Justā€¦ nothing.

    Turns out, he had fallen asleep.

    Now here I am, feeling silly for how much it bothered me. I mean, why did it sting like that? We are not even anything. I do not even know where this is going.

    But the truth? It felt like something more.

    And that ā€œmoreā€ is what is messing with my heart tonight.

    Until next time,

    ā€”Me

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  • Personal

    When Silence Starts to Speak

    May 19, 2025

    Dear Blog,

    Sorry, but once again, youā€™ve become the catcher of all my feelings.

    I donā€™t really have someone to vent all my frustrations in life to right now, so here you areā€”my safe space for now.

    I am honestly doing fine being single. I am happy, really.

    I have learned to enjoy my own company, chase what I want, and live life on my terms.

    But latelyā€¦ I do not know.

    Out of nowhere, there is this quiet kind of sadness that creeps in.

    That longing for something more.

    That small voice deep down that still hopes to have something I can call home somedayā€”a family of my own.

    I am proud of where I am. I have done things for myself, made decisions just for me.

    But it still feels different knowing someone is thereā€”someone who reminds you you are not alone in this life.

    Not just anyone, but someone who chooses to stay, especially on the days you do not even ask them to.

    So yeah, I am feeling all sorts of things today.

    Too many thoughts, emotions I cannot fully name.

    And this is not even like meā€”I am not usually this emotional.

    But here I am. Writing again. Rambling again.

    And youā€” yes, you, in case you ever come across thisā€”

    I hope you are someone who understands what this kind of silence means.

    I hope you are someone who will stay, not just when it is light and easy, but even when my heart feels like thisā€”unfiltered, unsure, but honest.

    That is all for now.

    ā€™Til next time, blog.

    ā€”Me

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