• Personal

    When Silence Starts to Speak

    May 19, 2025

    Dear Blog,

    Sorry, but once again, you’ve become the catcher of all my feelings.

    I don’t really have someone to vent all my frustrations in life to right now, so here you are—my safe space for now.

    I am honestly doing fine being single. I am happy, really.

    I have learned to enjoy my own company, chase what I want, and live life on my terms.

    But lately… I do not know.

    Out of nowhere, there is this quiet kind of sadness that creeps in.

    That longing for something more.

    That small voice deep down that still hopes to have something I can call home someday—a family of my own.

    I am proud of where I am. I have done things for myself, made decisions just for me.

    But it still feels different knowing someone is there—someone who reminds you you are not alone in this life.

    Not just anyone, but someone who chooses to stay, especially on the days you do not even ask them to.

    So yeah, I am feeling all sorts of things today.

    Too many thoughts, emotions I cannot fully name.

    And this is not even like me—I am not usually this emotional.

    But here I am. Writing again. Rambling again.

    And you— yes, you, in case you ever come across this—

    I hope you are someone who understands what this kind of silence means.

    I hope you are someone who will stay, not just when it is light and easy, but even when my heart feels like this—unfiltered, unsure, but honest.

    That is all for now.

    ’Til next time, blog.

    —Me

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  • Personal

    In Case You Are Him

    May 6, 2025

    Hi Future,

    I do not really know how to start this, but here goes.

    If ever you come into my life, I hope you know… I did not expect you. Not because I stopped believing, but because I got tired. Tired of getting too close, only to end up losing. I have always had this habit of pulling away when I feel too much, because deep down, I am scared. Scared of falling completely. Scared of being too much. Scared of not being enough.

    Truth is, I am not the jealous type—but when I care, I do. And when I do, it shows. I overthink, I feel deeply, I get bothered. And maybe that is why I try so hard to protect myself. That is why I have built walls. But if we ever get to that point where you are reading this, then I guess you are the one who did not give up on me. You stayed.

    I am not looking for perfect. I just want real. Someone consistent. Someone honest. Someone who sees me, flaws and all, and still chooses to stay. I will not ask you to fix me. I am not broken—I am just careful now. But if you are willing to walk with me through the good and the heavy, then I will meet you halfway. Maybe even more than that.

    And when the time comes, I hope we build something solid—simple, but safe. The kind that does not need to be loud to be felt. The kind that feels like home.

    So yeah… if you are out there, take your time. I am not rushing. I have waited this long—I can wait a little more.

    — Nikka

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  • Personal

    Unexpected Conversations

    April 29, 2025

    Dear Blog,

    It’s been three weeks since I downloaded Dark War Survival. I am actually surprised — I am happy to have found something I genuinely enjoy playing. Yup, I got hooked. Usually, I delete games when I get bored or lose interest. But this one? It is different.

    In just weeks of playing, I have already met a few people. And then there is this one person. At first, I just replied casually. I did not really want to get close to anyone. In my mind, it is just a game, right?

    But somehow, we started talking almost every day. He would ask random things, and I’d reply. He is smart. He loves dogs. He enjoys playing. And he is an ECE.

    Then slowly, the conversations went a little deeper. We talked about partners and their roles, love languages, and all that stuff. His answers? Not the usual. There is depth. There is thought. The kind of replies you want to reread because they stick with you.

    And there was this one part — something he said — that made me tear up. I do not even know why. I could not explain it. It just hit somewhere soft.

    It is funny how something that started so casually could leave an unexpected mark.

    Let us see where this goes. Or if it even has to go anywhere.

    Till next time,

    —Me

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  • Personal

    Happy Birthday in Heaven, Dade

    April 13, 2025

    Today is your birthday, Dade. Happy birthday in Heaven. I really miss you down here. I still wish you were alive—so I’d have someone with me here at home. It gets lonely sometimes. Even though I’ve gotten used to this setup, and I’m doing okay, it would still be so much better if you were here.

    I visited you today after church. Honestly, I wasn’t planning to go—I was scared to go alone. But I did it anyway. I gathered my courage and went. That alone felt like a big thing for me. When I got there, I saw your grave, but I couldn’t get close. There were so many overgrown weeds and tall plants—some already looked like trees. There was no clear path to walk through. Still, I stood there for a while, just being there with you.

    While I was there, Sitsit called. I showed him the place through a video call. He got curious and said, “So this is Wowo’s house now.” And he’s right—that’s your home now. We talked as I showed him the surroundings. It felt comforting to have someone with me, even just virtually.

    I miss your cooking the most. Especially the green leafy vegetables you loved making—saluyot, in particular. You even made a little song about it, remember? It still makes me smile thinking about it. Our bond over food is something I hold so close to my heart. Because of you, I learned to enjoy eating as a kid. I still remember that pork dish you made—it was so simple, but for some reason, it made me eat with such excitement. I think that’s when my love for food really started.

    I miss your pinapaitan too. There’s just something about the way you cooked it that’s different from Mame’s—your version had that special something. And the bulalo! Every time we went back to the province, that was always our request. Then there’s your igado, adobo, and so many more dishes. I miss them all. I miss you. So much.

    Wherever you are now, I hope you can feel how much I still carry you in my heart. I celebrate you today and always.

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  • Personal

    Dear 45-Year-Old Me

    August 23, 2024

    Dear 45-Year-Old Me,

    I hope you are okay.

    I hope the mornings feel lighter now, not because life got easier, but because you have learned how to carry things better. I wonder what your days look like. I wonder if you have finally found a rhythm that does not hurt.

    Did we make it to where we always wanted to be?

    I hope you have a job you like — or at least one that gives you peace. Something steady. Something that lets you breathe. You always said you didn’t need grand things — just something stable, something that lets you sleep at night without counting worries.

    I hope your room is quiet but not empty. That there are books, or music, or even just the sound of the fan as you rest. That your life is not loud, but it is full in its own quiet way.

    And love…

    Maybe someone came. Maybe no one did.

    But I hope you stopped measuring your worth by it.

    I hope you learned that love is not something to chase, but something that finds you when you are already whole. If they have not arrived yet, that is okay. Maybe you became everything you needed all on your own.

    I hope you are still kind — not just to others, but to yourself. I hope you do not replay old mistakes too often. I hope you have forgiven the younger version of us for not knowing better. She was trying. We both know that.

    And if things still do not look like the life we dreamed of, I hope they at least feel like something you have grown into.

    You are not late. You are just moving at your own pace.

    With all my hope,

    Your younger self

    Sometimes, life moves so fast that we forget to pause and check in with ourselves. So today, I decided to write a letter—to my future self. A letter that my 45-year-old me will one day read, filled with hopes, reminders, and maybe a little bit of advice. It’s like planting a time capsule of thoughts, dreams, and feelings that I want to remember and reflect on years from now. Writing this felt both strange and comforting, like having a conversation across time. I can’t wait to see how things have changed when I finally open it.

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  • Personal

    Me, at 40

    August 23, 2024

    I am 40 now.

    Honestly, it still feels weird to say. I thought things would look different by now. I thought I’d be more… settled. But here I am, still figuring things out.

    I left my job. I tried to make it work, stayed, hoped something better would come. It did not. I am jobless. And yeah, it is frustrating sometimes — to try and still feel like I am back at square one.

    Love? Still nothing.

    Still no one new.

    Still mending a heart that has been broken for a while now. Some days it is okay. Other days, not so much. But I have learned to sit with it — not fight it as much. Some pain just stays a little longer.

    But not everything feels heavy.

    This year, I had my first international trip.

    And I got to be with my sister again. Her family. My nephew.

    That part felt good. Like home. Like I could breathe.

    It reminded me that love shows up in different ways. And maybe that’s enough for now.

    At 40, I have not ticked all the boxes.

    No job. No partner.

    But I am here. I am trying.

    I have failed, yes — but I have also grown. Quietly. Slowly.

    I have learned to let go of things, people, places that were not for me.

    To be honest, I am still learning how to be okay with where I am.

    But I am proud I made it this far.

    So if I ever read this again someday —

    I hope I smile a little.

    And I hope I have found more peace than I have now.

    — Me, 40

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