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Just Me, Being Real
Hey Blog,
Here I am again.
Just wanted to write and let a few things out. Lately, I have been feeling a mix of everythingābusy on the outside, but lowkey messy on the inside. You know that feeling when life keeps moving but your emotions are kind of stuck? That is where I am at.
I have been keeping myself occupiedādoing things I need to do, trying to stay productive. On paper, everything looks okay. But inside? Thereās this weird heaviness I cannot shake off.
Jealousy.
Yeah, I said it.
I do not usually get jealousānot in a loud, dramatic way. But I have been feeling it quietly, deeply. That kind of jealousy that does not even show, but eats at you a little. And it is not even about wanting to have what others have⦠it is more like wishing I did not care so much.
I see things. I notice the closeness. The way someone lights up when they talk to other peopleāand suddenly, I feel like Iām just⦠there. Not invisible, but not chosen either.
I hate feeling like this. Because I know it makes me seem weak or insecure, but that is not it. I just care. Maybe more than I should. And when I care, I get affected. Simple as that.
So yeah. That is what I have been up toā trying to look fine while quietly dealing with feelings I did not really ask for.
I am not mad. I am not even sad all the time. I just feel⦠a little off. A little left out. A little too much sometimes, and not enough other times.
But maybe that is okay. Maybe this is just part of figuring life and emotions out.
Thanks for being here again, Blog.
You are my quiet space when I cannot really say things out loud.
ā Me
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Whiskey and Late Night Talks
Today, we ended up talking about food again. He knows Iām on OMAD (one meal a day), and when I mentioned I drank Coke with my meal, he immediately said, āNo Coke!ā He said itās a waste of the effort Iām putting into OMAD. Not that he totally disapprovesāhe drinks Coke too, sometimes mixed with rum.
I joked that I wanted to drink, and he told me, āGo.ā So, I did.
I went to our mini stash and grabbed the one with a pair so it wonāt be obvious that I took one. I poured myself a bit of Jack Daniels and something elseāI think it was Stewartās? Took a photo and sent it to him. He was amused, like genuinely happy I was having a drink. I teased him and said, āDrunk me will call you a hundred times and sing a sad song,ā and he just laughed even more.
Honestly, I was fine. Still texting straight, still making sense. But I didnāt feel like typing anymore, so I switched to voice messages. The entire night, I just kept sending him voicemails.
He said he wouldnāt get annoyedāand true to his word, he didnāt.
Our conversation went deeper and deeper as the night went on. And we even switched to Telegram. And for the first time in a while, it felt like we were us again. Just talking. Laughing. Being real.
I hope nights like this donāt go away.
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Unexpected Tears
Dear Blog,
Like I always do, I teased him playfully today. Itās our thing, really ā throwing jokes, a little push and pull. But this time⦠the teasing kind of backfired.
I do not know what came over me, but something shifted. I felt this strange tightness in my chest. Was it jealousy? Whatever it was, it caught me off guard. Suddenly, I went quiet. Everything felt heavier than it should. And then⦠I cried.
Yup. Out of nowhere.
I told him I was not okay. I actually said it. And then ā silence.
No reply. No āWhat is wrong?ā No āI am here.ā Just⦠nothing.
Turns out, he had fallen asleep.
Now here I am, feeling silly for how much it bothered me. I mean, why did it sting like that? We are not even anything. I do not even know where this is going.
But the truth? It felt like something more.
And that āmoreā is what is messing with my heart tonight.
Until next time,
āMe
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Do You Get Lonely Staying Alone?
āDo you get lonely staying alone?ā
Thatās a really nice question.Jubal asked if I get lonely being alone so much. Honestly? Not really. Iām pretty comfortable with my own company. Me, myself, and I have this quiet understanding, and we get along just fine.
Thereās a kind of peace that comes with being aloneāno distractions, no noise, just space to think and breathe. I enjoy the calmness, the freedom to do things at my own pace without having to answer to anyone. I can dive into a book, binge-watch a show, or just sit quietly without feeling the pressure to entertain or be entertained. Itās a comfort Iāve grown to appreciate.
That said, Iām not going to lieāthere are times I do miss having someone by my side. Someone to talk to, to share deeper conversations with. Quiet nights spent watching movies together or just having those little moments that make life feel fuller. Sometimes, I crave the warmth of company, the simple joy of sharing a laugh or a thoughtful silence. Those moments remind me how meaningful connection can be.
But even when I feel that longing, I donāt feel incomplete. Iāve learned to cherish my own presence and find beauty in solitude. Itās in these quiet spaces that I get to know myself better, to reflect, recharge, and just be. Thereās a special kind of strength in being okay with your own companyāsomething Iām grateful for.
And then thereās youāsomeone whoās been spending time with me lately, making me feel less lonely these days. You remind me that even in solitude, connection can find its way in quietly, gently.
So yeah, I might be alone a lot, but Iām not lonely. Not really. Because sometimes, being with yourself is exactly what you need.
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When Silence Starts to Speak
Dear Blog,
Sorry, but once again, youāve become the catcher of all my feelings.
I donāt really have someone to vent all my frustrations in life to right now, so here you areāmy safe space for now.
I am honestly doing fine being single. I am happy, really.
I have learned to enjoy my own company, chase what I want, and live life on my terms.
But lately⦠I do not know.
Out of nowhere, there is this quiet kind of sadness that creeps in.
That longing for something more.
That small voice deep down that still hopes to have something I can call home somedayāa family of my own.
I am proud of where I am. I have done things for myself, made decisions just for me.
But it still feels different knowing someone is thereāsomeone who reminds you you are not alone in this life.
Not just anyone, but someone who chooses to stay, especially on the days you do not even ask them to.
So yeah, I am feeling all sorts of things today.
Too many thoughts, emotions I cannot fully name.
And this is not even like meāI am not usually this emotional.
But here I am. Writing again. Rambling again.
And youā yes, you, in case you ever come across thisā
I hope you are someone who understands what this kind of silence means.
I hope you are someone who will stay, not just when it is light and easy, but even when my heart feels like thisāunfiltered, unsure, but honest.
That is all for now.
āTil next time, blog.
āMe